
jrrd, according to Act of Conpresii, in the year 1873 bv Georgk M. nAKKK, in tfae OfSce of the 
l.ibraria* of ConirreHS, at tVanhinirton. 



\ 



'^ 



^pa . gQOOO-QjQ'QOQO'Q'a'aO'QOQ'OQ'OQ'O'Q'O'O'O'QOOGQO-'aOQ'O'C 



SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE. 



A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public 
(i ) or Private Performance. Containinf/ a full description of all 

Of) the necessary Stage Business. 



i) 



PRICE, IS CENTS EACH. 



1. liost in liondon. A Drama in 
Tliree Acts. G Mule, 4 Female char- 
acters. 

2. ]ViclioIas Flam. A Comedy in Two 

Acts. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

3. The "Welsli «irl. A Comedy in 

One Act. J5y Mrs. Planche. 3 Male, 
2 Female characters. 

4. Jolm Wopps. A Farce in One Act. 

By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

5. The Turlcisli Bath. A Farce in 

One Act. By Montague Williams 
anil F. C. Burnnud. G Male, 1 Fe- 
male cliaracter. 
:; C. The Two Puddifoots. A Farce 
in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 
Slale, 3 Female characters. 

7. Old IFonesty. A Comic Drama in 

Two Acts. By J. M. Morton. 5 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

8. Ttvo Gentlemen in a Fix, A 

Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 

2 31 ale characters. 

9. Smasliinajton iioit. A Farce in 

One Act. "By T. .1. Williams. 5 Male, 

3 Female characters 

10. Two Heads Better thanOne. A 

Fiirce in One Act. By Lenox Home. 

4 M;ile, 1 Female character. 

11. John Bobhs. A Farce in One Act. 

liv J. M . IMorton. 6 Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

12. The Baughter of the Regi- 

ment. A Drama in Two Acts. By 
Edward Fitzball. 6 Male, 2 Female 
characters. 
V,. Aunt Charlotte's Maid. A Farce 
in One Act. P,y J. M. Morton. 3 
jMale, 3 Female characters. 

14. Brother Bill and Me. A Farce in 

One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

15. Bone on Both Sides. A Farce in 

One Act. By ,1. 31. Morton. 3 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

IC. Bundnclcetty's Picnic. A Farce 
in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 
Male, 3 Female characters. 

17. I've written to Bro^vne. A Farce 
- in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 
Male, 3 Female characters. 



20. 



21. 



22. 



23. 



24. 



26. 



■JVo Plays exchanged. 



Lending a Hand. A Farce in One 

Act. By G. A. A'Becket. 3 Male, 

2 Female characters. 
My Precions Betsy. A Farce in 

One Act. By J, M. Morton. 4 Male, 

4 Female characters. 

My Tnrn IVext. A Farce in One Act. 
By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Fe- 
male characters. 

Nine Points of the Law. A Com- 
edy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 
4 Male, 3 Female characters. 

The Phantom Breakfast. A 
Farce in One Act. By Charles Sel- '*^ 
by. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 

Bandelions Bodges. A Farce in >J; 
One Act. Bv T. J. Williams. 4 - 
Male, 2 Female characters. ^Sr 

A Slice of Luclc. A Farce in One 
Act. By J, M. Morton. 4 Male, 2 
Female characters. 

Always Intended. A Comedy in 
One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 .^^ 
Male, 3 female characters. ) . 

im- , < 



27. 



A Bull in a China Shop. A < 

edy in Two Acts. By Charles Mat- ^ 
thews. 6 Male, 4 Female characters. , < 
Another Glass. A Drama in One ^ 
Act. By Tliomas Morton. G Male, ^ 
3 Female characters. ^ 



28. Bowled Out, A Farce in One Act. 
By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female 



29. 



characters 

Cousin Tom. A Commedietta in ^ 
One Act. By George Roberts. 3 f ) 



Male, 2 Female characters. 



.30. Sarah's Young Man. A Farce in r 

/•\ t „«. T>., f'Xr Til C!..*„». O TITnl^ ; 



One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 

3 Female characters. 
31. Hit Him, He has No Friends. 

A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates 

and N. H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 

Female characters. 
.32. The Christening. A Farce in One (t 

Act. ByJ. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, () 

G Female characters. ( > 

33. A Race for a Wido-w. A Farce ( 

in One Act. By Thomas J. Wil- (f; 
Hams. 5 Male, 4 Female character.'* 

34. Your liife's in Banger. A Farce <l>\ 

in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 
Male, 3 Female characters. i ^ 

35. Ti-ue unto Beath. A Drama in 

Two Acts. By .1. Sheridan Knowles. 
G Male, 2 Female characters. 



(i) 



KO.O.QCOCOCOODCOQOCODOOOLXQoOQOQCoCtJ^OC'-COOO 



«e5J^ 



n^'^' 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 



/ 



^ Farce. 



^U 



BY THE AUTHOR OF 

" Sylvia's Soldier," 

" Once on a Time," " Down by the Sea," " The Last Loaf," 

" Bread on the Waters," " Stand by the Flag," " The Tempter," " A Drop too 

Much," "We're all Teetotalers," "A Little more Cider," " Thirty Minutes 

for Refreshments," " Wanted, a Male Cook," "A Sea of Troubles," 

"Freedom of the Press," "A Close Shave," "The Great 

Elixir," " The Man -with the Demijohn," " Humors of 

the Strike," " New Brooms sweep Clean," "My 

Uncle the Captain," "The Greatest Piague 

in Life," " No Cure, no Pay," " The 

Grecian Bend," " War of the 

Roses," " Lightheart's 

Pilgrimage," .^ 

"The 
Sculptor's 
Triumph," "Too 
Late for the Train," 
" Snow-Bound," " The Ped- 
dler of Very Nice," " Bonbons," 
" Capuletta," " An Original Idea," " My 
Brother's Keeper," " Among the Breakers," 
" The Boston Dip," "The Duchess of Dublin," "A 
Tender Attachment," "Gentlemen of the Jury," "A Public 
Benefactor," " The Thief of Time," "The Hypochondriac," "The 
Runaways," " Coals of Fire," " The Red Chignon," " Using the Weed," 
" A Love of a Bonnet," " A Precious Pickle," " The Revolt 
of the Bees,"' " The Seven Ages," 
<fec.,&c.,&c 



/i. A. 



BOSTON: 

GEORGE M. BAKER & CO., 

149 Washington Street. 







Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 187;j by 

GEORGE M. BAKER, 

lu the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



Rand, A very, &' Frye, Printers^ Boston. 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN, 



A FARCE. 



CHARACTERS. 

Dr. Adam Aconite, a Young Physician. 

Frank Friskey. 

Oliver Oldbdck, rich and gouty. 

Silas Sharpset, a Speculator. 

Dennis Doolan, a Widower. 

Peter Pldmpface, with a bad cough. 

Annie Aconite, the Doctor's Sister. 

Lucy Linden, a Milliner. 

Miss Abigail Alllove, an Autograph Hunter. 

Maggie Mullen, "The Duchess of Dublin." 



COSTUMES. 



Dr. Aconite. Black suit, white necktie, light side whiskers, 

and light wig. 
Frank. Dark coat and vest, light pants, roundabout hat. 
Oldbuck. Gray wig, blue coat with brass buttons, double- 

breasted vest, white neckerchi'ef, foot swathed in ban- 

dages, cane. 

16 241 



242 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Sharpset. Gray suit, red cop wig, full red beard, £ossuth 

hat. 
Dennis. Red wig, blue overall suit, rusty white hat. 
Plumpface. Made up fat, very red face, dark, old-fashioned 

suit. Eye-glasses attached to a string, which drop from his 

nose when he coughs. 
Annie. Neat morning dress. 
Lucy. Tasty street dress and hat. 
Abigail. Close-fitting black dress, hair " a la Grecian," black 

lace cape, broad straw hat, red nose. 
Maggie. Neat dress of a kitchen girl, sleeves rolled up. 



Scene. — Dr. Aconite*s office. Table, c, with a display 
of vialsy one or two hooks, writing materials, &c. 
Chair, l. of table. Two chairs back. Small table, r., 
with chair beside it. 

Maggie discovered dusting. Her left hand is wrapped 
in a thick covering, 

Maggie. 'Pon my sowl, it's the docthor's a jewel, 
that he is ! Didn't I burn me wid the hot fat, that 
made me howl wid the pain uv it? And didn't the 
blissid doethor tind me loike his own sisther — wid the 
cooling and haling salve for me fisht, and the wee sugar 
pills for the faver that was buruin' me up intirely ? And 
didn't the blissid crayther, wid the bountiful heart in 'im, 
charge niver a cint for it, or sthop it out uv the wages uv 
a poor girl, as many a hathen would do, bad luck to 'em. 
To be sure he did ; and,^y that same tokea, it's Maggie 
Mullen would run the wide worrld over for the sakes uv 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 243 

him. Och, bnt it's little docthoring he has onyhow, and 
perhaps I did him a sarvice giving him the practice 
loike. Will, if the sick folks only knew how handy he 
is, there'd be little rist for the sole uv my fut answering 
the bill. 

Enter Friskey, l. 

Frishey. Hallo, Maggie! Where's the doctor? 

Maggie. Sure it's at his brikfast he is. Can't you 
lit him have a little pace for his sowl? What wid 
bein' up all night, and runnin' to sick folks all day, it's 
little rist he finds onyhow. 

Friskey, That's right, Maggie. Keep up a show of 
business if there is none. But I'm in the secret. 

Maggie. Sacret, is it? Sure there's none. 

Frishey. Ah, we know, Maggie, that our friend the 
doctor has yet to get his first patient. 

Maggie. Indade you're wrong there, Masther Frank. 
Haven't I been under his charge, and don't I know the 
skilful arts uv him? Indade I do, and can give him the 
highest characther. 

Frishey. O, I forgot that, Maggie. He's made a 
commencement. How's your hand, Maggie ? 

Maggie. As comfortable as it can be wid the finest 
midical attention. 

Frishey. That's good. Well, I'll wait for him. {Sits 
at table ; takes up newspaper.^ 

Maggie. That's right, sir. He'll be glad to say ye's. 
But mind, don't interfare wid his business. Don't tak 
his mind off the purshuit uv patients, for it's much they're 
wanted, ye's can belave. \_Exit, r. 

Frishey. I do helave it. Now here's a man who has 



244 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

passed a splendid examiDation, received his diploma, and 
settled down in his native village to practise medicine, 
but so set are the good people that they will never 
patronize him until age and experience have fitted him to 
be their medical adviser. Stuff and nonsense ! While 
he is growing he must starve, unless some way is found 
to move their stubborn will. Not a patient — no, I'm 
wrong — there's his free patient, Maggie, " The Duchess 
of Dublin," as Lucy and I facetiously call her. A free pa- 
tient ! If we could only contrive to get one of the high and 
mighty snobs of the village into his clutches, we'd physic 
him until the whole population flocked to his office, 
{Knock, L.) Come in. {Enter Lucy Linden, l.) Ah, 
Lucy, come in. How d'ye do? {Shake hands.) 

Lucy, Where's Adam ? 

Friskey. The first of men is at his breakfast, replen- 
ishing his exhausted system before renewing the toil of 
practice. 

Lucy. You're too bad, Frank. The dear fellow must 
not be laughed at. You know he has no practice. 

Friskey. O, there you're wrong. The first patient 
has been found. 

Lucy. You don't mean it? Who is it — Squire Prim, 
or Aunt Lucy Spear, Mr. Plumpface, or Mr. Oldbuck? 
Do tell me. I'm dying to know ! 

Friskey. A person of greater importance. One with 
a high-sounding title. 

Lucy. Title — Judge Higgins? General Proof ? You 
mysterious fellow, why don't you tell me. 

Friskey. It's '' The Duchess of Dublin." 

Lucy. O, pshaw ! Maggie Mullen. Frank Friskey, 



THE DUCHESS OP DUBLIN. 245 

you're a torment. I really thought 'twas some distin- 
guished character. 

Frishey. Well, the duchess had a fine characther from 
her last place. By Jove ! an idea. 

Lucy. Get rid of it, Frank ; it's dangerous. 

Frishey. Hush ! This is really a magnificent idea. 
Our doctor must have patients, for several reasons : 
First, he is engaged to a beautiful young lady, whom he 
will not marry until his practice will allow him to sup- 
port her as he desires — 

Lucy. Just as if I cared. I'm sure I'd rather help 
him up hill, than to wait for the elegant mansion he 
hopes to rear on the summit. 

Frishey. There you are interested. In the second 
place, his sister is engaged to a fascinating young gentle- 
man, ahem ! and him she will not marry until her brother 
can afford to let her leave his house, of which she is the 
toiling mistress. 

Lucy. And there you are interested. 

Frishey. Exactly. Therefore we are both interested 
in increasing the doctor's practice as soon as possible. 

Lucy. The sooner the better 

Frishey. Now listen to me. Suppose that a high-bom 
lady, a titled lady of Europe, should visit this country ; 
should pass through this village ; should suddenly be 
taken sick. The aid of our good friend the doctor is re- 
quired. He is called in. The news spreads like wild- 
fire through the village. Patients flock to his office. His 
fortune is made, and we are happy in our loves. 

Lucy. Ah, but where can we find such a patient? 

Frishey. She's here beneath this humble roof — "The 
Duchess of Dublin," incog. 



246 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Lucy. Why, Frank, what a desperate idea ! 

Frishey. Desperate cases require desperate means. 
What say you, will you join me? . 

Lucy. In what way? 

Frishey. We will leave this house at once, separate, 
you go to the right, I to the left. Drop in here and there 
quite accidentally, and, in confidence, disclose the in- 
teresting news that " The Duchess of Dublin," incog. ^ 
is in the skilful hands of Dr. Aconite. Magnify it a 
little, and await the result. I am confident that before 
night Adam will be as happy as a rush of complicated 
disorders can make an M. D. 

Lucy. Capital ! only if we are found out — 

Frishey. We'll laugh it oiF as a capital joke. If, in 
the mean time, Adam gets a good patient, he'll make his 
way to a good practice. 

Lucy. It's an absurd idea to exalt our Maggie to so 
high a position. Should anybody see her — 

Frishey. Ah, but nobody must see her. The duchess 
is incog. You must communicate -in the strictest confi- 
dence, and have it distinctly understood that not a word 
must be said to the doctor about his grand patient. 

Lucy. I understand, and you may depend upon me ; 
only if the worst comes I shall throw all the responsibility 
upon you. 

Frishey. And I'll agree to take it all. Come, let's 
set out. 

Lucy. Without seeing Adam? 

Frishey. Yes, for I shan't trust you with him until 
you are fully committed to this arch plot. Come. 

Lucy. What, would you rob me of a sight of my 
Adam? 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBUN. 247 

FrisTcey. Eve-n so. Am I not robbed of the sight of 
ray Annie ? 

Lucy. Not even one embrace? 

Frishey. As a substitute embrace me. {Throws his 
arms around her.) 

Lucy (screams). You horrid wretch ! (Buns off., l., 
followed by Friskey.) 

Dr. Aconite appears, r. 

Br. A. Am I awake? My friend, my bosom friend, 
with his arms about my affianced bride ! Pills and pow- 
ders ! pestle and mortar! am I awake? Well, it's my 
usual luck. Day by day I've seen ray stock of provisions 
sensibly decrease. I have this morning devoured the 
last j5shball that could be manufactured from the slender 
stock of codfish and potatoes. It has vanished, and so 
has my love, with the friend of my bosom. There's 
nothing left for me now but to make a few slender meals 
of my sugar-coated pills, fricassee the canary, and then 
slowly but surely starve. (Sinks into chair, l.) 

Enter Annie Aconite, r. 

Annie. Well, brother, what would you like for 
dinner ? 

Lr. A, Dinner ? ha, ha ! Dinner ! Well, what say 
you to roast turkey with cranberry sauce ? 

Annie. Brother ! 

Br. A. Or roast goose, with guava jelly? 

Annie, Brother ! 

Br. A. Or roast buffalo, with venison steak, devilled 
kidneysy and salmon, with oyster sauce on the half 
shell. 



248 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Annie. Adam, are you crazy? 

JDr. A. "Why not? Our dinner must be an imaginary 
one, so let's have it as costly and luxurious as possible. 
There's nothing in the larder. Let's be extravagant, and 
cook it all. 

Annie. Why, how you rave ! Is the money all gone ? 

Dr. A. Every cent. 

Annie. But the butcher ? 

Dr. A. Would carve me with his meat-axe if I asked 
for credit. 

Annie. Theu I'll try him. He won't carve me. Now 
don't be despondent. We have always had a dinner, 
and, depend upon it, you shall to-day. 

Dr. A. 

" O Woman, in our hours of ease, 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
But, when the dinner seems to lag, 
You'll have it, if you boil the puddin'-bag." 

Annie, why don't you marry Frank Friskey? 

Annie. Adam, why don't you marry the little mil- 
liner? 

Dr. A. Because I have no patients. 

Annie. And I have patience to wait until you get 
them before I marry Frank. 

Dr. A. But I never shall have a patient. There's 
a dead set against me. They're determined I shall not 
cure or kill anybody until I kill myself with waiting. 

Annie. Not so bad as that, Adam. Be patient, and 
wait. 

Dr. A. 0, humbug ! My instruments are all getting 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 249 

rusty, my pills old, ray plasters cracking, and my drops 
drying up. Hang it, I'll go and doctor myself for amuse- 
ment. {Knocks L.) 

Annie. Hush ! Perhaps there's a call. 

Dr. A. The undertaker, perhaps, in search of a job. 
Come in. _ 

Enter Dennis, l. 

Dennis. The top uv the mornin' to ye*s. Is the doc- 
ther man in — I donno ? 

Dr. A. Yes, I'm the doctor. 

Dennis. Is that so? Yer rivirance, if ye plaze. Squire 
Croony wants ye's quick. The ould missus's howlin' in 
the pangs uv insinsibility, the young masther's took wid 
the jiimpin' croup in his skull, and the babby's got the 
janders — an' it's pisoned they all are intirely. 

Dr. A. What, Squire Croony? 

Dennis. The same, yer rivirance, onto the hill 
beyant. 

Dr. A. O, you've made a mistake. He wants Dr. 
Allopath. 

Dennis. Niver at all, at all. It's Dr. Ac — Ac — 
Acraoniting I was to sind. 

Dr. A. (jumping up^ and pulling off his dressing-gown). 
My coat — quick! quick! (Annie runs off, r.) Mag- 
gie, Maggie, my hat and cane ! Here's luck. {Enter 
Annie, ivith coat. He jumps into it.) You're sure 
he sent for me? 

Dennis. To be sure I am. 

Dr. A. Glory ! glory ! Rich Squire Croony ! I'm 
a fortunate man. Where's my medicine case? {Ru7is 
to table, R., and takes it.^ . My good man, I'm terribly 
afraid you've made a mistake. 



250 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Dennis. Troth, I'm afraid they'll all git well afore 
you git there. 

Dr. A. That would be fatal — ahem ! — to me. I'm 
off. I'll return at the earliest possible moment. Should 
anybody call, let them wait. Tell them I am suddenly 
called to my rich patient, ahem ! Squire Croony. {Going 
off, !■•) 

Enter lilAGGiE, r., with Dr. Aconite's hat and cane. 

Maggie. Sure, docther, you're not going widout yer 
hat? 

Dr. A (returning). That would be a mistake. {Puts 
on hat.) You're sure, my man — 

Dennis. O, bother ! Would ye lave them all to die 
suddenly wid a long illness ? 

Dr. A. I'm off. Glory ! glory ! Luck ! {Dances 
to door^ L., then suddenly stops, straiglUens himself, and 
puts on a serious face). Professional dignity, ahem! 
{Struts off, L.) 

Annie. Maggie, remember, if anybody calls, '* The doc- 
tor has been called to Squire Croony." [_Exit, r. 

Maggie. That I will — the dear docther ! The luck's 
a-coomin'. 

Dennis. Ah, ye's the fine gurl ! Sure ye's remind 
me uv Donuybrook fair, in the ould counthry, wid ye'^ 
rosy cheeks, and pearly teeth, as white as — as — as — 
tombstones. 

Maggie. Ah, will, will ! It's the blarney-stone ye've 
kissed, sure, in the ould counthry. 

Dennis. To be sure 1 have, colleen. Ah, bliss the 
ould sod ! Sorr3r's the day I lift it, wid my own party 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 251 

wife, Molly, who's been dead and gone the year, an' me 
wid the childers wid their bills open for food loike the 
little birds — 

Maggie. 'Tis a widerer ye's are? 

Dennis. A lone widerer, wid a tear in one eye and the 
other wide open tight for a purty girl to fill the sitivation 
made vacant by the absince of my Molly. 

Maggie. Is it lonesome ye are? 

Dennis. Lonesome is it? Begorra ! ye may will say 
that. Sure there's not blankets enough to kape the chill 
out uv me heart, whin I wake in the night and miss the 
music uv Molly's snore — for she had a powerful organ, 
and could pipe " St. Pathrick's Day" through her nose 
widout missing a note. Could ye's riccommend me? 

Maggie. Troth, I don't know what ye mane. 

Dennis. To a nice, respectable gurl that wouldn't 
mind incumbrances in the shape of nine as purty childers 
as iver built stone huts or made dirt pies, the darlints. 
~ Maggie. Troth, I think ye've give niue good raisins 
why no smart gurl would loike to take the head uv yer 
establishment. She'd be loike the ould woman that lived 
in a shoe. 

Dennis. An' ye couldn't be prevailed upon yeself to 
share my fortunes? 

Maggie. What's that, ye loonytic? Away wid ye's. 
I'll have none uv yer Molly's childers distractin' my 
shlumbers. So ye can take yer hat, misther, and yer 
lave to onct. 

Dennis. O, now, pity the sorrows of a poor lone, 
afflicted widower. 

Maggie. Git out er that, or I'll break yer skull. Away 



252 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

wid 5'e's. (Dennis runs off, l. Bu7is into Oldbuck, 
who enters.) 

Oldhuck. O, murder ! my foot ! you villain ! you 
scoundrel ! 

Dennis. I ax yer pardon. Siud me the bill. [^Exit, l. 

Oldhuck. Confound you for a blundering fool ! Girl, 
give me a chair. (Maggie sets chair, r. c. Oldbuce, 
groaning, hohhles to it, and sits.) Now, then, whore's 
the doctor? 

Maggie. Sure he's at Squire Croony's. 

Oldhuck. Squire Croony's — O, that foot ! Why, he 
must have a pretty good practice. 

Maggie. Ye may will say that. He hasn't ate a mor- 
sel for three days, nor slipt for a wake. 

Oldhuck. Now that's a lie — O, my foot ! Bring me 
a footstool — do you hear ? Quick ! 

Maggie. What's that? 

Oldhuck. A footstool, quick, or I'll break this 
cane — 

Maggie {snatching cane from him). Ye'U be civil, so 
yer will, or out uv this house ye go. 

Oldhuck. Give me that cane — O, my foot ! You 
torment. 

3Iaggie. Be aisy now, misther, and till yer business. 

Oldhuck. I want the doctor. 

Maggie. He's away wid daciut sick folks, that don't 
howl and break canes, and the loike, ye ould hathen ! 

Oldhuck. Do you know who I am? 

Maggie. I niver set my two eyes on ye's before the 
day, and I niver want to again. 

Oldhuck. You're a saucy jade — O, my foot ! 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 253 

Maggie (poJcing his foot with the cane). Does it 
bnrn. 

Oldhuch. ! O ! murder ! Do you want to kill me? 

Ilaggie. Kape a civil tongue in yer head, and Fll do 
ye's no harm. 

Oldhuch. Wlien will the doctor return? 
. Maggie. Soon as he's kilt or cured the sick folks at 
Squire Croony'sv 

Oldhuch. Has he any patients in the house? 

Maggie. Yis, one. (Aside.) Sure, I'm his patient ; 
that's no lie. 

Oldhuch. Ah ! Male or female ? 

Maggie. Well, from my sowl, ye*s a mighty inquisi- 
tive ould chap. It's a famale. 

Oldhuch (aside). Ah, it's true then. Sh ! Come 
here, my good girl. (Maggie approaches him^ and hits 
his foot.) O, my foot ! You clumsy — 

Maggie (pohing his foot with the cane). Does it 
burn ? 

Oldhuch. O ! O ! O ! Will you be quiet? 

Maggie. If ye'il kape a civil tongue. 

Oldhuch. I'm dumb. But tell me — this patient — 
who is she? I'll be secret. 

Maggie. Sure, ye's mighty mysterious. It's myself. . 

Oldhuch. You ? (Aside.) They said she was incog. 
This must be her. And now I look at her, there's a cer- 
tain grace about her, a queenly air — O, it's the duchess. 
(Aloud.) Your grace — 

Maggie. What's that? 

Oldhuch. Pardon me, your grace, I failed to recognize, 
in this mean attire, the high-born lady, which your high- 
ness must be. 



254 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Maggie. The ould fellow^s looney. {Pokes his foot 
with the cane.) 

Oldhuck. O ! ! my foot ! 

Ilaggie. Will ye's kape a civil tongue ? 

Oldhuck. Ten thousand pardons. I forgot your dis- 
guise. 

Maggie. Disguise is it? Troth, it's my belafe that 
it's yerself is disguised intirely — in liquor. 

Plump/ace (outside, L., coughing violently). Where's 
(cough) the (cough) doctor? (Enters, l.) 

Oldhuck. Old Plumpface, confound him ! 

Maggie. The doctor, is it? Troth, he's away on a 
call. He'll soon return. Take a cheer. (Hands him 
chair, l. He sits.) 

Plumpface (coughs). O, this infernal cough ! I'm in 
the last (cou^h) stages of a decline. (Cotoghs.) 

Maggie. The docther'll cure ye's in a jiffy. 

Oldhuck. Not that cough. Egad, he's kept it up for 
twenty years, and grows fat on it. Hallo, Plumpface ! 
I thought Allopath was your medical adviser. 

Plumpface. He's a swindle. (Cough.) He does me 
no good. ( Cough.) I'm going to try the new one. 
( Cough.) 

Oldhuck. Humbug! Keep your money. There's 
nothing the matter with you. You ve tried twenty doc- 
tors. They bleed your pocket, and add power to that 
infernal cough. 

Plumpface. Humbug yourself! (cough) hobbling 
round (cough) with that (cough) foot wi'apped up. 
(Cough.) Stay at home and diet. (Cough.) 

Maggie. Yell make a die of it some^ day, sure, wid 
that watchman's rattle in ye's throat. 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 255 

Plumpface {to Maggie). Here (.cough), I want to 
whisper to you. (Cough.) 

Maggie (comes close to him.) D'ye call that a whisper ? 

Plump/ace. Hush! (Cough.) Don't let Oldbuck 
hear. (Cough.) How is she? (Cough.) 

Maggie. What she d'ye mane ? 

Flump/ace. Hush ! The doctor's (cough) patient 
here. 

Maggie. Is it mysilf ? Troth, I'm pickin' up lively. 

Plumpface (aside). Her? Can she be the duchess? 
It must be, incqg. Your grace. (Cough.) 

Maggie (aside). Your what? 

Plumpface. I'm delighted to (cough) meet your high- 
ness. (Cough.) When did you leave the old country? 
(Cough.) 

Maggin. The ould counthry, is it? 

Oldbuck. Here, this way. (Aside to Maggie.) 
Plumpface is an old fool. Don't mind him, your grace. 

3Iaggie. Will, 'pon my sowl, if here isn't a couple of 
the quarest ould chaps I iver met. O, here's the doc- 
ther. (Gives Oldbuck his'cane.) ^ 

Enter Dr. Aconite, l. Exit Maggie, k. 

Dr. A. The ice is broken. I've cured four individ- 
uals in ten minutes. My fortune's made. (Comes, c.) 

Plumpface (jumping up). O, doctor (cough), my 
cough ! 

Oldbuck (jumping up). Dear doctor, my foot — O! 

Plumpface. Please attend to me first. (Cough.) 

Oldbuck. No, I arrived first, and claim your atten- 
tion first. 



256 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Flump/ace. It's a lie. I sent an hour ago. {Cough.) 

Oldbuch. He's a humbug. That cough's heredi- 
tary. 

Plump/ace. You villain ! {Shakes fist at Old- 
buck.) 

Oldbuch. You swindler ! {Shakes fist at Plump- 
face.) 

Dr. A. {stepping between them). Gentlemen, be calm. 
'Tis the proud boast of medical science that it can settle 
all difficulties, mental as well as physical. You need my 
aid ; but such are the claims upon my time that I can- 
not, without doing injustice to my numerous patients, 
attend to you at present. Give rae your address, aud I 
will call upon you at the earliest possible moment. 

Oldbuck. I am Squire Oldbuck. 

Dr. A. {aside). The rich squire — good! 

Plumpface. And I am Peter Plumpface. {Cough.) 

Dr. A. {aside). The great manufacturer — good! 

Oldbuck. I can pay handsomely. 

Plumpface. I can pay liberally. 

J)r. A. Gentlemen, you shall receive my early atten- 
tion. You will pardon me, but I have a patient in the 
house who requires my immediate attention. 

Oldbuck {aside). " The Duchess of Dublin." . 

Plumpface {aside). The Dublin duchess. {Cough. 
Aloud.) My dear doctor, I have heard of your skill. 
May I depend upon you? 

Dr. A. At the earliest possible moment. 

Oldbuck. You will give me early attention? 

Dr. A. Immediate. 

Oldbuck. Then I'll hobble home at once. Good day, 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 257 

doctor. (Aside.) When old Plumpface is out of the 
way, I'll slip back again. \_Exit, l. 

Plumpface {coughs). I know your skill, doctor {cough,) 
and shall depend upon you. Good day. (Cough. Aside.) 
ril come back and quicken his memory when Oldbuck is 
out of sight. [Exit, L. 

Dr. A. (rubbing his hands) . Ha, ha ! that's a capital 
joke. Dr. Aconite, poor physician, turns two of the 
richest men out of his office to wait his pleasure ! But 
that's the right way. 'Twill never do to be too anxious. 
Egad ! they're rich acquisitions ; for, though I have 
never met them, that cough and that gouty foot have 
been the rounds of the medical fraternity. Wonder how 
they happened to drop in upon me? No matter; I can 
cure them both in time. Ah, Time, you arc the doctor's 
best friend, for you pay as you go. Luck's come at last, 
and that imaginary dinner shall be a real, substantial 
feast, to mark the day when Dr. Aconite took his first fee. 

Enter Shakpset, l. 

Sharpset. Heow d'ye dew. You're Dr. Aconite, I 
reckon ? 

Dr. A, I am. 

Sharpset. Jes' so. Wall, Tm Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., 
'he founder and proprietor of the '* Excelsior Perambu- 
lating Museum of Wonderfal, Whimsical, Extraordinary, 
and Eccentric Living Curiosities." 

Dr. A. Indeed ! 

Sharpset. Jes' so. You'll find in my wonderful col- 
lection studies of human nater in every variety. The 
remarkable and'only original living fat girl, seven years 
17 



258 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

of age, who has attained the enormous weight of seven 
hundred and seventy-seven pounds by a daily diet of mo- 
lasses candy and gum drops. 

Dr. A, Remarkable, indeed ! 

Sharpset. Jes' so. Also, the only real living skele- 
ton, aged thirty-nine, weight seventeen pounds and three 
ounces, who lives on oatmeal gruel, eaten by tlie spoonful, 
once in forty-eight hours, who kin crawl through a stove- 
pipe of six inches diameter, and dance the Cachuca in 
a quart measure. 

Dr. A. Ah, that's too thin. 

Sharpset. Jes' so. Then there's the man born with- 
out either arms or legs, who can lift a hogshead with his 
tee^h, and write a remarkably legible hand with his back 
hair, which he wears in a cue for that purpose. 

Dr. A. Cue-rious, indeed. 

Sharpset. Jes' so. Then there's the bald-headed 
accountant, with his head so full of figures that he can 
run up the longest account in no time, and, by the force 
of his stupendous intellect, make the sum total appear in 
round figures, visible to the naked eye, on the top of his 
head. 

Dr. A. A calculating baldhead. 

Sharpset. Jes' so. But the assortment is too numerous 
to mention. I kin only say, that for variety, versatility, 
and invention, this collection is unsurpassed, and kin be 
seen in all its beauty for twenty-five cents a head. 

Dr. A. Well, sir, what is your business with me? 
'My time is precious. 

Sharpset. Jes' so. Wall, then, to come to the p'int. 
You've got a nat'ral living curiosity, and I want it. 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 259 

Dr. A. I've got a curiosity ? Sol have — a curiosity 
to know what you mean. 

Sharpset. Jes* so. Mighty secret, but it's no use, 
doctor ; it's all over town. You'll have to give in, so you 
might as well make the best terms you kin with me, for 
I've greater facilities for exhibiting the critter than any 
other live man. Jes' so — Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., can't 
be beat. 

Dr. A. Exhibiting the critter, Mr. Sharpset? There's 
a wiklness in your eye that betokens insanity. You are 
laboring under a wild hallucination. Go hence. Soak 
your feet, wrap a wet towel round your head, and return 
to your couch at once. 

Sharpset. Jes' so. Keep it up, doctor. But it won't 
fool me. The critter's here. Turn her over to me, bag 
and baggage, and I'll pay you a thousand doUajjs down. 

D?'. A. A thousand dollars — you'll pay me? Be 
calm, my friend, be calm. You betray unmistakable 
symptoms of a disordered mind. Will you oblige me 
with a little explanation? 

Sharpset. Jes' so. 

Dr. A. Who is the " critter" that you are in pursuit 
of? 

Sharpset. The duchess, of courser Why, consarn it, 
it's all over town. 

Dr. A. The duchess? Ah, yes, poor man, lunacy 
always takes high flights. Ah, who is the duchess? 

Sharpset. Jes' so. Doctor, do you see anything of a 
verdant hue in this optic? (Finger on left eye.) It's no 
use. *' The Duchess of Dublin " is in this house ; is un- 
der your charge. Now do the handsome thing. I'll put 



260 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

her up as an extra attraction, charge double price, and 
divide profits. There's an offer. 

Dr. A. By doubling your price on " The Duchess of 
Dublin " ? Now, 5'ou must excuse the question, but who 
is " The Duchess of Dublin"? and what have I to do 
with " The Duchess of Dublin"? 

Sharpset. Consarn it, mister, are you a fool? 

Dr. A. Now gently, friend. Be calm, be calm. 
(Aside.) O, he's very crazy I 

Sharpset. Humbug! Will you, or will you not, ac- 
cept ray offer? Half profits for the duchess. Sharp's 
the word ! Quick, or you lose it ! 

Dr. A. My dear friend, it wouldn't hurt you to lose 
a little blood. My lancet's handy. 

Sharpset. Jehoshaphat ! do you take me to be an 
idiot? 

Dr, A. You'd better go home. Your wife and chil- 
dren are expecting you. No doubt the little folks are 
chanting, with their childish voices, " Dear father, dear 
father, come home." 

Sharpset. Jes' so. You can't pull wool over my 
eyes, doctor. Silas Sharpset is sharpset by name and 
sharpset by nater. You can't fool me. You've got a 
prize, and want to keep it for yourself; but if I don't set 
the populace howling round your door, and make you 
show up the duchess, then you can shave my head, and 
lock me up for life. No monopolies here in living curi- 
osities while Sharpset's around — not if he knows it : 
jes' so. [^Exitf L. 

Dr. A. He*s gone — home, I hope. He's very mad. 
Why don't his friends take care of him. It's dangerous 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 261 

to let a man run round with such horrid ideas as are 
rambling through his brain. The fat girl, the living 
skeleton, the bald-headed accountant, and " The 
Duchess of Dublin." Ton my word, the idea of my 
having under my charge a duchess ! O, it's absurd. The 
man's crazy ; he must be looked after; I'll follow him 
{takes hat), and see that he does no damage. {Goes to 
door, L.) 

Enters, suddenly, Miss Abigail Alllove, with a large 
book under her arm. Seizes Dr. Aconite by arm, and 
drags him down, c. 

Abigail {mysteriously) . You are — are you ? — or am 
I mistaken ? 

Dr. A. Eh? You may be right, you may be wronor, 
or you may be mistaken. 

Abigail. You do not answer me ; and I, poor lone or- 
phan that I am, tremble in your presence. 

Dr. A. Eh? Are you often alone? Miss, or madam, 
let's drop this nonsense. Have, you any business with 
me? I am Dr. Aconite. 

Abigail. You are the friend of the unfortunate ; the 
guidfe of suffering humanity to havens of rest ; the 
healer of broken hearts ; the finger-post that points the 
way to the mansion of health. O, human angel, list 
to my woes. 

Dr. A. Madam, or miss, I shall be happy to aid you 
with my professional skill. 

Abigail. Professional skill ? Away with it. I want 
it not. I want sympathy, friendship, love. 



262 , THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Dr. A. Ah, indeed. Then I'm sorry I cannot help 
you. They are not in my line. 

Abigail. List to a tale of grief. At the age of four I 
lost my mother, at the age of ten my father, at the age 
of fifteen my sister, at twenty my only brother, at twenty- 
five my uncle, at thirty — 

Dr. A. O, stop, stop, stop ! Spare me. I didn't 
kill them. I haven't been in practice a year. You must 
see I had no time for such slaughter. 

Abigail. I am alone in the world. No relatives, no 
friends, " no one to love," — only this. (Shows book.) 

Dr. A. And pray what is that? 

Abigail, A treasure millions could not buy. A pearl 
of matchless value — my life, my friend, my love — my 
autograph album. 

Dr. A. O, indeed, is that all? And you want my 
autograph? With the greatest pleasure. {Attempts to 
take book.) 

Abigail. Away ! Do not profane it with your touch. 
None but the noble stain its spotless pages. 

Dr. A. Ah, indeed ! Pardon my presumption. 

Abigail. No, only the divine wielders of the pen, the 
classic movers of the artistic brush, the noble toilers 
with the gracing chisel, the seraphic sons and daughters 
of song, kings, emperors, queens, the high-born and the 
great can dot their i's in Abigail AlUove's autograph 
album. 

Dr. A. Decidedly select. 

Abigail (opening book). Behold the autograph of the 
Emperor of China. 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 263 

Dr. A. (readiiig). " Will you come and take tea in 
the arbor. Te he ! " Ah, did you te-ease him for that? 

Abigail. The name of the Emperor of the French. 

Dr. A. (reading). " Put out the light, and then put — 
Napoleon." Which he did. Very good. 

Abigail. The Queen of Sheba. 

Dr. A. (reading). " Anything on this board for ten 
cents. Saloma." Attentive to business, very. 

Abigail. Dr. Livingstone. 

Dr. A. (reading). 

" On, Stanley, on, 
Were the last words from Livingstone." 

Original, very. 

Abigail. Joshua Billings. 

Dr. A. (reading). '' Duz time fli in fli time? Josh 
Billings." That's a very bad spell. 

Abigail. Alfred Tennyson. 

Dr. A. (reading). 

*' When I can shoot my jifle clear 
To pigeons in the skies, 
I'll bid farewell to pork and beans, 
And live on pigeon pies." 

A. Tennyson." 

Abigail. Exquisite poet ! 

Dr. A. I admire his taste. 

Abigail. Now, dear doctor, I would add one other 
name to my valuable collection. You can aid me. Will 
you? 0, say you will — will you? and take the burden 
from the heart of a lone rphan. 



264 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Dr. A. Madam, or miss, I should be very happy to 
assist you — 

Abigail. 0, rapturous answer ! O, noble disciple of 
^sculapius ! Tlie lips of the lone orphan will bless you ; 
the tears of the lone orphan shall bless you ; the suiiles 
of the lone orphan — 

Dr. A. Be calm, be calm. In what way can I 
assist you? 

Abigail. You have beneath your roof a noble lady — 

Dr. A. Eh? 

Abigail. From a foreign clime. You hold her here 
in secret. Let me but get her name in my autograph 
album, and Abigail AlUove will die happy. 

Dr. A. Noble lady? (Aside.) Another lunatic. 

Abigail. Yes, the name of " The Duchess of Dub- 
lin." 

Dr. A. The — dickens! Stark, staring mad. My 
dear young lady, you are laboring under a halluciaation. 
Go home at once. Call your friends. 

Abigail. Alas ! I have no friends. Did I not tell 
you I am a lone — 

Dr. A. Yes, yes ; but call in the neighbors, the 
kind neighbors ■ — 

Abigail. But the duchess ! I must see the duchess. 
The hopes, the fears, the life of a lone orphan — 

Dr. A. Lone orphan, go home ; let me alone. I 
have no duchess, know no duchess. You are deceived. 
No, no, dear, go home. 

*' Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home." 
Abigail. O, you wretch ! You mean, contemptible 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 265 

quack. You have read my album, my precious volume, 
and now refuse my request. 

Dr. A. But, my dear young lady — 

Abigail. Don't come near me ! You've broken the 
heart of a lone orphan. You're a base, ungrateful, 
ugly, miserable pill-box! and I hope •you'll never live 
to own an autograph album — there ! \_Exit, L. 

Dr. A. Good by, lone orphan. Now there's a case 
that requires immediate attention. Poor thing ! I 
ought not to have let her go until her friends appeared. 
{Enter Dennis, l. Stands in door, heclconing to Dr. 
Aconite.) Hallo! who's that? 

Dennis (mysteriously). Sh ! sh ! (Creeps down, C, 
beckoning to Dr. Aconite.) 

Dr. A. Well, what is it? 

Dennis. It's all right, docther, it's all right. 

Dr. A. Well, I'm glad to know that, at any rate. 

Dennis. Yis, I'll not brathe a word. It's from the 
owld counthry I am. 

Dr. A. That's very evident.' 

Dennis. An' it's mysilf that would give the worrld to 
sit my two eyes on her. Now, docther, it's a lone 
widdyer I am, an' would ye's go for to do me a kind- 



ness 



Dr. A. To be sure I would. 

Dennis. Iliveu bliss ye ! Thin fich her out. Let me 
faist my eyes on her beautiful face, her illigant, dignified 
figure. Let me kiss the him of her magnificent dress, 
and hear her swate voice spake the brogue of the gim 
of the say. 

Dr. A. What are you talking about? Who do you 

want to see? 



266 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Dennis. You kuow will what I mane — her grace, 
the noble, moigbtj, illigant " Duchess of Dublin." 

Dr. A. What? ''The Duchess of Dublin?" Out 
of my house at once, or I shall do you an injury. 

Dennis. Faix, you don't mane it. Rob an Irishman 
of his right to pay his rispicts to a high-born lady uv his 
own couuthry? 

Dr. A. Do you see that door ? 

Dennis. Faix, I'm not blind. 

Dr. A. Then get the other side of it at once. {Takes 
cane.) I've had enough of " The Duchess of Dublin." 

Dennis. Is that so? Thin I'm the b'y to take her off 
ye's hands. 

Dr, A. Will you leave this house? 

Dennis. To be sure I will, afther I've seen her grace. 

Dr. A. {rushes at him with cane). O, you will have 
it — will you? 

Dennis {bacJcing to door). Aisy, docther ; I want 
none uv ye's medicine. But I'll say the duchess, so I 
■will, wid ye's lave or widout it. \_Exity l. 

Dr. A. Has the whole village gone crazy? or is this 
some infernal plot to drive me into hopeless lunacy? 

Plumpface coughs outside., then enters., l. 

Plumjpface. Doctor (cough), I thought you were com- 
ing to [cough) see me? 

Dr. A. I'll be ihere in half an hour, Mr. Plumpface. 
Business of a very serious nature has detained me here. 

Plumpface. Yes (cough), I know. She kept you. 

Dr. A. She — Who do you mean? 

Plumpface. O (cough), it's all right, doctor. I'm in 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 



267 



tl»e secret. {Cough.) I've seen her; spite of her dis- 
guise, I knew lier at once. (Cough.) 

Dr. A. Knew her at once? Who, pray? 

Plump/ace. O, you sly dog ! (Cough.) The duchess. 

Dr. A. Heavens and earth! Slic here again? 

Plump/ace. She hasn't been ^way — has she? 
(Cough.) 

Dr. A. Look here, riumpface. Go home, quick! 
Go to your room, get into bed, and don't stir until I get 
there. 

Plump/ace. What's the matter now ? 

Dr. A. Your case has taken a serious turn. You 
are going to get rid of that cough. It's going to your 
head. You will be ma'd. 

Plump/ace. Mad ? You don't say so ! What a horri- 
ble idea ! I'm afraid you're right. I haven't coughed 
for three minutes. O, doctor, is there no. hope? 

Dr. A. Don't stop to talk. Get home at once. 
(Pushes him out of door, l.) Run for your life. How 
he goes ! The exercise will do his lungs good ; but his 
head, poor fellow ! He's got the duchess fever. 

Enter Oldbuck, l. 

Oldhuch. I say, doctor, what's the matter with 
Plumpface?' I met him, running. Is there a fire any- 
where ? 

Dr. A. Yes, very near him — in his head. It has 

been turned. 

Oldhuch. You don't say so. By what, pray? 

Dr. A. By '" The Duchess of Dublin." 

Oldhuch. Egad! she's enough to turn anybody's 
head. But I say, doctor, how is she? 



268 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Dr. A. What? 

Oldhuch. I'm mightily interested in her. How's she 
getting aloDg? I've seen her, too. 

Dr. A. O, this is too much. Olclbuck, look at that 
foot. 

Oldhuch. What's the matter? 

Dr. A. It's swelling fearfully. A dangerous symp- 
tom. It must be kept down. {Steps on his foot.) 

Oldhuch. O, murder ! Confound you, what are you 
doing? 

Dr. A. Keeping down the swelling. (Steps again.) 

Oldhuch. O ! Do you want to murder me? 

Dr. A. {steps again. Oldbuck avoids him, and runs 
round stage, crying out). I tell you, there's no other 
wny. {Steps.) Get home, quick ! {Steps.) Quick ! 
If the swelling continues {steps) 'twill reach a vital part. 
{Steps.) Go home ! (Oldbuck rujis out, l., crying out.) 
He's gone. No more practice to-day. {Lochs door.) 
O, that infernal duchess ! She's nearly driven me mad, 
mad, mad ! {Sinhs into chair.) 

Enter Annie, r. 

Annie. O, brother, what does it all mean? The yard 
is filled with people. 

Enter Maggie, r., loith broom. 

Maggie. And the fince is covered wid bys, roosting 
loike so many bins. I'll have them off, jist. {Goes, l.) 

Dr. A. Stop ! Don't open that door. My life's in 
danger if you open that door. {Shouts outside, ^'' Hi 1 
hi 1 The duchess I the duchess I ") O, Lord ! the whole 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 2G9 

village has got it — and got it bad. O, Annie, if you 
love me, sead for Dr. Allopath, send for Judge Busted, 
or I am completely busted. 

Anjiie. Brother, are you sick? What does this 
mean ? 

Enter Fkaxk and Lucy, r. 

Frank.. It means fame, fortune. O, it's glorious ! 

Dr. A. Glorious to have your front yard filled with 
a howling, yclliug pack? Hear that. {SJiouts outside, 
" Hi ! hi ! The duchess ! the duchess ! ") 

Frank. O, that's all right. 

Dr. A. (jumping up). All right ! And perhaps 'twas 
all right when I saw you a half hour ago with your arms 
around my affianced bride. 

Annie. You did? O, Frank, how could you? 

Frank. It's all right, I tell you. {Shouts outside^ os 
lefore.) I can explain. But, in the mean time, we've 
•work before us. Here, Lucy, just throw that cloud around 
your head so your eyes alone will be visible. (She does 
so.) That's good. Now, doctor, give Lucy your arm. 

Dr. A. But I would like to know — 

Frank. So you shall. In the mean time unhesitat- 
ingly obey me. Your professional reputation is at stake. 
Give Lucy your arm, go up stairs, open the window, step 
out upon the balcony, and gracefully bow to the assem- 
bled people. (Shouts as lefore.) 

Dr. A. Yes, but this proceeding — 

Lucy. Is strictly proper. Depend upon it, Adam, 
there is no other way. 

Dr. A. If there is no other way, will you be kind 
enough to tell me what this way is? 

Lucy. Right up stairs. Come. 



270 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Dr. A. But what is it about? 

Lucy. About time \vc were up stairs — so come 
along. lExit, Dr. Aconite and Lucy, k. 

Annie. Now, Mr. Frank Friskey, I should like to 
know — 

FranJi. Ilush I (Goes to door, l. SJiouf.s as before.) 
I hear them above. Now he opens the window. Good. 
(Outside shouts, '•'' Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!'') Splen- 
did! 

Alice. Will you oblige me — (Outside shouts, '•^Hur- 
rah ! hurrah ! hurrah ! ") 

FraiiJc. Good, good ! Ah, now he's shutting the 
window. 

Maggie. 'Pon my sowl, is it the prisident? 

Frank, The crowd is breaking up. (Knock at 

door, L.) 

Enter Dr. Aconite and Lucy, r. 

Dr. A. 'Will anybody, male or female, be kind enough 
to look in my face, and tell me if I am Adam Aco- 
nite, or if I am not Acom Adamite. 

Frank. I'll be back in a minute. (Buns off, r.) 

Maggie. Sure it's the most mysterious mystery that 
iver took place. It bates the deluge, sure. (Knock at 
door, L.) 

Lucy. Shall I open the door, doctor ? 

Dr. A. No — yes — don't mind me. I'm not myself, 
I'm out of my head. I'm mad, mad, mad ! (Sinks 
into chair.) 

Annie. O, brother ! isn't this terrible? (Knoclc, L.) 

Maggie. Bedad, there'll be a breakdown at that door, 
or I'm mistaken. (Opens door. Oldbuck, Sharpset, 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 271 

PLUMPFACte, and Dennis tumhle in on floor.) Troth, is 
that a pelite way to inter the house? {Thetj pick ihem- 
selves vp.) 

OldbucJc. iDtroducG mo, doctor. 

Flump/ace. No ; me first, doctor. 

Sharpset. I'll hold to my bargain. 

Dennis. Presiut me, docther. 

Magfjie {swinging her broom round her head). Shoo ! 
Away wid ye's ! Don't you say the docther's sick? 
(Theij fall hack.) 

Dr. A. (rising). Gentlemen, I am at your mercy. 
An hour ago I was the possessor of a noble intellect. 
Now, I am like the reed shaken by the blast. To whom 
shall I pc^sent you? 

OldbucJc, Flump/ace, Sharpset, Dennis. " The Duch- 
ess of Dublin." 

Dr. A. ^' Monsieur Tonson come again." (Sinks into 
chair.) 

3Iaggie. " The Duchess of Dublin." O, be aisy wid 
yer nousinse. Sure there's nobody here that answers to 
that name at all at all. 

Enter Frank, r. 

Frank. No, because her grace has just been driven 
away in her own carriage. I had the honor of bringing 
her here ; I have had the honor to conduct her from this 
place, and to receive her thanks for the able manner in 
which she has been treated by Dr. Aconite. 

Dr. A. (comes down, c). Have you been taken, too, 
Frank ? Alas ! poor fellow ! 

Frank. O, it's all right! Listen to me. Annie! 



272 THE DUCHESS OP DUBLIN. 

Lucy ! (^Beckons to them. Tliey come doivn, c. Oldbuck, 
Plumpface, Sharpset, and Dennis come down.) Your 
pardon, gentlemen, a little family secret. 

JIaggie (swings her broom around her head). Shoo I 
Ye are trespassing, d'ye mlDcl ! {They retire.) 

Frank. Doctor, for all the trouble you have endured 
to-day, I, and I alone, am to blame. We are all in- 
terested in your success, and, to insure that success, 
Lucy and I put our heads together. 

Dr. A. And your arms about each other — yes. 

Frank. And concocted a scheme which has succeeded 
admirably. (Oldbuck, Plumpface, Sharpset, and 
Dennis look at each other, then stealthihj approach., c.) 

Maggie (flourishing hrooin). Shoo! Away wid ye's ! 
Have ye's no manners, ye hathens? 

Frank. You have your hands full of patients now, 
from the fact that it has leaked out that you had under 
your charge a high-born lady. You know that one good 
customer will attract others. Your success is assured, 
and our happiness, I trust, not in the distance, as it ap- 
peared to be an hour ago. 

Dr. A. And you have deceived the trusty public, 
and given me position by a lie. 

Frank. No, for "The Duchess of Dublin" is still 
under your roof. Have you forgotten the title I gave to 
Maggie? and she certainly was your patient. 

Dr. A. I never thougiit of that, Frank. I owe you 
much. But if ever you attempt another such trick — 

Frank. But I shan't. This one will give me a wife 
(takes Annie's hand), and there will be no more mis- 
chief in me. 



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 273 

Dr. A. Lucy, what have you to say for yourself? 

Lucy. O, I'm delighted. It brings our wedding day 
so r.inch Dearer. 

Dr. A. Well, I suppose I must be satisfied then. 
GentleraeQ (a/Z come down R. and l.), I have rather 
neglected my business to-day, but, having such a mys- 
terious patient, I think you will pardon me. I intend, 
in the future, to give my attention strictly to village 
pra(!tice. 

Oldhuck. It's all right, doctor. I'm proud to have 
as my physician a gentleman who has been the medical^ 
attendant of so distinguished a personage. 

Plumpface. Yes, indeed, you've sent my cough oEf in 
a hurry, just by your advice; and if you can keep it 
I'rom my head — 

Dr. A^ No fear, jMr. Plumpface. I'll cure your 
head in short order. 

Sharpset. Say, doctor, can't you give me the address 
of the lady? I'll make her a splendid offer to take a 
position in my Living Curiosity Gallery. 

Dr. A. No, that would be betrayiug profouud 
secrecy. 

Dennis. Sacrecy, is it? Be jabers, it's no sacret 
that she's gone. Ye've a sthroug lilt in the profes- 
sion, and I've a mind to engage ye's to doctiier the 
nine childer, if ye'il make the fays conform to the 
size uv thim. 

Enter Abigail/ l. 

Ahigail. And has she gone? and am I bereft of 
her autograph? O, cruel doctor! to so basely deceive 
a lone orphan — 
18 



274 THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN. 

Dr. A. Now don't ! Say no more about it, my 
dear miss — madam. It was a mistake. If you will 
pardoa me, I will cudeavor to obtain for you the au- 
tograph of the king of the Caonibal Inlands, in red 
ink, made from the blood of a missionary. 

Abigail. Will you? O, then I forgive you, with all 
my heart. 

Dr. A. {to audience). Ladies and gentlemen, you 
have witnessed the success of Dr. Aconite during the 
last half hour in obtaining patients. It may possibly 
occur to you that they have been obtained by false pre- 
tences. But am I to blame? Maggie, come here. 
(Maggie comes down l. of Dr. Aconite.) I am 
seeking patients, and want a good recommendation. 
What can you say for me? 

Maggie. Sure, ye's the illigant docther, so ye are, 
an' it's a plisure to be sick wid the chance of being 
cured or kilt by the loikes uv ye's. 

Dr. A. You hear what she says. Can I hope for 
your support? Will you become my regular patients? 
If you will, it shall be my endeavor to serve you 
well ; and you know I can bring a high recommenda- 
tion from no less a personage than her grace, " The 
Duchess of Dublin." 

Situations. 
R. Lucy. Dr. Aconite. l. 

Annie. Maggie. 

Frank. Abigail. 

Oldbuck. Sharpset. 

Dennis. Plumpface. 

CURTAIN. 



i) 



(.) 



(?) 40. 
( 



8 



SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE. 



80. 



5:5. 



39. 



l>iainoiitl cut l>iainoitd. An In 

torlu.lo in One Act. By \V. II. Mur- 
ray. 10 Male, 1 Female character. | 

Look after Brown. A Farce in 54 
One Act. By Geor<?e A. Stuart, i 
M. I). (■> Male, 1 Female character. | ^^ 

lHonseigneur. A Drama in Three 
Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 Male, i 
3 Female characters. 

A very pleasant livening. A 
Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 

3 Male character.'^. 
Brother Ben. A Farce in One 

Act. By .1. :M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 
Female characters. 
Only a Clod. A Comic Drama in 
One Act. By J. 1*. Simpson. 4 Male, 

1 Female character. 
^ 42. Gaspardo tlie Gondolier. A 

Drama in Three Acts. By George 
Almar. 10 Malf, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

Svmsliine tlirougli tlie Clouds. 
A Drama in One Act. By Slin^sby 
Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female cliar- 
acters. 

Don't Jndge by Appearances. 
A Farce in One Act. By .J. M. Mor- 
ton. 3 Male, '-i Female characters. 

IVnrsey Cliiclfiveed. A Farce in 
One Act. By T. .J. Williams. 4 
Male, J Female characters. 

Mary >Ioo; or, ^Vhicli shall I 
Marry.^ A Farce in One Act. By 
W. E. Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female 
character. 

Kast Liynne. A Drama in Five 
Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters. 

The Hidden Hand. A Drama in 

Five Acts. By Kob rt .Jones. Iti 

Male, 7 Female characters. 

^ 49. Silverstone's Wager. A( ommedi- 

^ etta in One Act. By K. U. Andrews. 

4 Male, 3 Female characters. 
Dora. A Pastoral Drama in Three 

Acts. By Charles Re.ade. 5 Male, 

2 Female character.-;. 
Blanks and Prizes. A Farce in 

One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 
Male, 2 P'omale characters. 
Old Gooseberry. A Farce in One 
Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 
2 Female characters. 



^i- 



43. 



44. 



45. 



46. 



U 



48. 



C) 



c? 



50. 



51. 



52. 



50. 



57. 



,58. 



.59. 



00. 



<n. 



()'.-'. 



03. 



04. 



05. 



00. 



07. 



68. 



09. 



Who's TVho. A Farce in One Act. 
By T. .J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characters. 

Bouquet. A Farce in One Act. 2 
Male, 3 Female characters. 

The W^ife's Secret. A Play in 
Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 
10 Male, 2 Female characters. 

The Babes in the W^ood. A 

Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom 
Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female charac- 
ters. 

Putkins : Heir to Castles in the 
Air. A Comic Drama in One Act. 
By W. K. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characters. 

An Fgiy Customer. A Farce in 
One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 
3 Male, 2 Female characters. 

Blue and Cherry. A Comedy in 
One Act. .? Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

A Doubtful Victory. A Omedy 
in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female char- 
acters. 

The Scarlet LiCtter. A Drama in 
Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female char- 
acters. 

W^hich will have Him P A Vau- 
deville. 1 Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

Uladnm is Abed. A Vaudeville in 
One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

The Anonymous Kiss. A Vaude- 
ville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 

T^he Cleft Stick. A Comedy in 
Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female char- 
acters. 

A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, 
and a Tailor. A Farce in One 
Act, 4 Male, 2 Femnlc characters. 

Give a Bog a Bad iVame. A 
Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female (. haracters. 

Bamon and Pyfliias. A Farce. 
<> Male, 4 Female characters. 

A Husband to Order. A Serio- 
comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

Payable on Demand. A Domes- 
tic Drama in Two Acts. 7 JIale, 1 
Female character. 



\l 



V 



L 



Price, 15 cents each. 



U U4. UW ' L.'^-.- ' U^.J ' ../W ' 



Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to 
CEO. M. BAKER & CO., 

149 Wa8hii»oton St., Bostox. 






LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



^ Plays for Amateur T..-2.51LIS? ^^ 




By GEORGE M. BAKEk. 



77/.' Mimic Smrif-: '• fhf Soi-iol Slnf/r,' ■ '/'/ii- iJi an inij-rnon) Stur/e,' 
■A /lidcrs l)oz<->,:' 5r. 



Author of " Amateur Dratimx, 

Titles in this Type are ]\ew Plays 



DRAMAS. 

ht Three A cts. 



Cts 



My Brotlier's Keeper, s iiialc, ^ 
female characters '5 

In Two A cts. 
Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 
female characters '5 

Sylvia's Soldier. 3 male, 2 female char- 
acters '5 

Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char- 
acters '5 

Down by the Sea. 6 male, 3 icmy\i 
characters 15 

Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male characters 15 

The Last Loaf. 5 male, 3 female char- 
acters _ 15 

In One A ct. 

Stand BY THE Flag. 5 male characters. 15 

The Tempter. 3 male, i female charac. 15 

COMEDIES and FAUCES. 

The Boston I>ip. 4 male, 3 female 

characters '5 

The Dnchiess of I>ublln. 6 mal s 

4 female characters 15 

We'ke all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 
female characters 15 

A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female 
characters i5 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 
4 male, 3 female characters 15 

A Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male characters 15 

Male Cha7-acfc)'s Only. 

iJentleinen of the Jury. 12 char. 15 

A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . . 15 

The Thief of Time. 6 char. ... 15 

The Hypochondriac. 5 char. . . 15 

A Public Benefactor. 6 char. . . 15 

The Runaways. 4 char 15 

Coals of Fire. 6 char 15 

Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. ... 15 

A Sea of Troubles. 8 char 15 



FARCES. 

Freedom of the Press. 8 char. . • . 

A Close Shave. 6 char 

The Great Elixir. 9 char 

The Man with the Demijohn. 4char. 
Humors of the Strike. 8 char. ... 
New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . . 
My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . . 
Femnle Characters Only. 

The Red Chii^non. 6 char 

Using the IVeed, 7 char 

A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char. . . . 
A Precious Pickle. 6 char .... 
The Greatest Plague in Life. Scha. 

No Cure, no Pay. 7 char 

The Grecian Bend. 7 char 

ALLEGORIES. 

A rj-anged for Music and Tableanx. 
The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female 
characters 

Lightheart's Pilgrimage. 8 female 
characters 

The War of the Roses. 8 female char- 
acters 

The Sculptor's 'J'riumph. i male, 4 fe- 
male characters 

MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 

The Seven Ages. A Tableau En- 
tertainment. Numerous male and fe- 
male characters 

Too Late for the Train. 2 male char- 
acters 

Snow bound ; or, Alonzo the Brave 
and tiik Fair Imogene. 3 male, i 
female character 

Bonbons; or. The Paint-King. 3 male, 
1 female character 

The Pedler of Very Nice. 7 male 
characters 

An Original Idea, i male, i female 
character 

Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet 
Restored. 3 male, i female character. 






TE3IFJERANCE PIECES. 

The Last Loaf, s male, 3 female characters 

The Tempter. 3 male, i female character. 

We're all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 female characters. 
A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female characters. . . . 
A Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 female characters. . 
The Man with the Dkmijohn. 4 characters 




LIBRARY OF 

IllPlllliliiP 

(5 395 ali 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

IlllllfilillillliPlllllilli] 

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